Please tell me who signed their book this way

I enjoy browsing through signed books just to see if the autograph is good or bad, creative or lazy, one that is a keeper or not.

Let’s have a little fun with this post. Please tell who wrote the signature that appears in the picture at the top of this page. Maybe you will win something if you get it right or make up something hilarious. That something could be a $25 Amazon gift card, which I would present since I’m the one and only sole judge of this contest.

The signature has flair, but it’s not worth the price of the book. The person only provided initials. A full name would have made it attractive, though the book is not the kind I would buy.

I’ll give you just a couple clues for now.

The signature appears in a cookbook that was published in April.

The author is a woman.

I’ve got one clue I’m holding back and may add later. If I tell you now, you will be able to identify the signer.

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From New Jersey, a friend sends his holiday jeer

Crescenzo Capece, music seller, songwriter and perhaps my one and only best New Jersey friend, sent me a lyrical text message Sunday that was entertaining because of its anti-merry and anti-mirth crankiness.

Now it’s a blog post, thanks to his approval and my laziness this week to come up with original contest of my own.

By CRESCENZO CAPECE
Special to The Broadmoor Bureau

I know u love holidays, so:
ChrisMess Song
(Curmudgeon’s Lament)

Maybe somewhere,
Some families taking
A wonderland sleigh ride or two
I’m sitting here  in
My lounger & undies
While I chug on my
15th brew

A season of cheer
That’s what some call it
But my toe’s a hammer, not mistle
I ain’t got a mantle
With festive cards
On it
And Misery is my epistle

No Darlene’s love to
Sing me no carols
Those tunes they get
On my nerves
No special cookies
Baking in my oven
And the mall Santas
All look like fakes

So don’t you be telling
Me to be merry
Or building no snowman outside
All I needs my TV
And a frozen dinner
And i’m always hitting
My stride

Trees are for forests
They don’t need no
Lights
Reindeers are just good for
Lyme disease and bites

So leave me alone
And I’ll be just fine
While you all claim
You’ll have a jolly
Old time

Don’t get me started
About all that shopping
I’d sooner be down
in Bama sharecropping

But you have your holiday
And stress about bills
While “Bonanza” reruns
Will give me my thrills

And when the new year comes
I’ll still be the same
Another year over
And straight down
The drain!

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‘She Shed’ commercial inspires lame attempt at re-writing Beatles lyrics

IMDB

By JOHN E. BIALAS
Broadmoor Bureau Chief

The State Farm “She Shed” television ad inspired my lame attempt last week at re-writing classic Beatles lyrics.

This post goes public with the results:

She said
Somebody burned down my she shed
Now I’m  getting a chichier she shed
After the agent said lightning struck my she shed
I said who put all those things in your she shed
Things that make you feel like you’re glad
Now this fire makes me feel like I’ll never have a he shed

 

All this dumb tongue-twisting stuff for a make-believe song I call “She Said He Shed” is because of the funny State Farm commercial in which a married woman calls an agent to report that her she shed is on fire.

The ad is when I became aware of she shed, the equivalent to a man cave.

Urban Dictionary defines a she shed as “a private room (at home) where a woman can relax, be alone and do whatever she pleases” and has an example of how a man would use the phrase.

My wife has turned the guest room into her own private She Shed. Its complete with angels, butterflies, incense, books, and flat screen TV. I am forbidden to enter!

A man cave, according to a hilarious Urban Dictionary definition, is “a term coined by metrosexuals who have forgotten what a garage is for.”

I don’t have a man cave, but Patty just had a she shed built for her behind our house, and Tilly hangs out there, too. Tilly thinks the she shed is hers as much as it is Patty’s. The 5-year-old basset will bark or cry day or night inside our home if she’s not included.

JOHN E. BIALAS
JOHN E. BIALAS

My “She Shed He Shed” lyrics are a stupid parody of the Beatles song “She Said, She Said” from “Revolver,” their 1966 album.

I found this cool demo on YouTube in which John Lennon sings the line “she’s making me feel like my trousers are gone.”

No one can compete with that.

I guess it’s time to light a fire to my “She Shed He Shed” lyrics.

See you later.

Featured image credit: IMDB

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The 5 saddest songs on The Captain’s Spotify

Editor’s note by John E. Bialas: The 5 saddest songs on The Captain’s Spotify is the second part in a series about his play list. The first part was published Feb. 28 and it features disco, dance and funk. Part 2 shows The Cap’s melancholy side.

By CAPTAIN TENACIOUS
Special to the Broadmoor Bureau

I can’t be the upbeat 24-hour bar-hopping guy I used to be because I’m three years away from my favorite birthday number, which is 69, and I get bombed and rejected at 66 years old more often than I did when I was 22.

The young lovelies who ignore my glances and advances mean a lot of lonely nights for me at home in Gulfport, Miss., and these are the songs on my Spotify that remind me I’m among all the lonely people.

 

The first song was the suggestion of Young Miami Dave, who responded to a Facebook request: What songs do you think are on The Captain’s Spotify play list?

The other picks are mine and the one stands out is “Lonesome Loser” because it reminds me of one of my worst dates.

A hippie chick went on a Little River Band date with me after I bought tickets for both of us, and even before LRB started playing the set, the girl slipped out of the auditorium with another guy.  I never saw her again.

She missed out. I would have bought her a T-shirt after the concert if she had stayed with me.

That night, I was the Lonesome Loser and when I got home, I was all by myself.

Image credit: A screen grab of Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” on YouTube.

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Getting down and dirty with The Captain’s Spotify

The Trammps perform "Disco Inferno." YOUTUBE

Editor’s note by John E. Bialas: I asked Facebook friends last week to name the songs they think are on Captain Tenacious’ Spotify play list, and I enjoyed all the selections because they fit the persona of the retired sportswriter: Most Experienced Playboy in the Western World, 1979 Disco Dancing World Finalist, 1984 Pensacola Twist Contest Winner, 1994 Mississippi Breakdancing Champion, Legend in His Own Dirty Mind and Master of the Quadruple Entendre. Today, he writes about songs on his Spotify list in this quality piece of fine journalism.

By CAPTAIN TENACIOUS
Special to the Broadmoor Bureau

I saw all the Facebook submissions and all of them fit my personality and taste in music.

All the selections are spot-on. They are always streaming on my Spotify, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love streaming if you get my drift.

Thirty-five songs were posted  on John’s Facebook and my story features 10 of them.

I am listing each pick  this way: The first name of the person who submitted the song, the song on YouTube and my comments below the video.

Freddie

In 1975, the year the song came out, the ladies called me “The Hustler” for my moves on and off the dance floor.

One more from Freddie

Reminds me of the nights at the Fiesta in Biloxi, where I mixed poppers with Jacks and Cokes.

Mike

Whoa baby! Funk me!

Slim

My kicks are fast as lightning, although I’m more of a lover than a fighter.

Judy

That’s the way I like it, connotations and all.

Derek

I can relate to these words: “If morning’s echo says we’ve sinned,
it was what I wanted now.” I say this to myself lying in bed alone and thinking of a Twin Peaks girl.

Kristin

This song is preparing me for my Roman and Mediterranean holiday in April, when I’ll be on my Continental Love cruise where I hope to meet the Gina Lollobrigida, the Claudia Cardinale and the Monica Vitti of my dreams.

Gene

Yep, I am a hugging and kissing fiend.

George

I got a gal, she lives on the block, she is kind of funky with her pink and black socks.

Hannah

The ear worm I get from this song is “Stand Really Close to Me.” Close counts.

This ain’t no disco

One song that will never make my list is “Dirty Boulevard” by Lou Reed.

I remember the time I was riding in a car with a couple of other sportswriters and that song was playing. It was ear-splitting and headache-making.

I yelled, “What the hell is that crap? Change the station.”

It turns out the song was blaring from a cassette player and not the radio.

No disco! Son of a bitch!

Image credit: The Trammps perform “Disco Inferno.” This is a YouTube screen grab.

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What the eve of September means to you

September Eve leads to thoughts about pumpkin patches.

By JOHN E. BIALAS
Broadmoor Bureau Chief

It’s the eve of September and it means a lot to you.

It means going to The Dollar Tree for autumnal designs, Halloween candy and Thanksgiving decorations.

It means rushing to Hobby Lobby in hopes of loading up on Christmas decor.

It means coming up with a list of easy dishes you can make for Friendsgiving and Thanksgiving, and you shop at Rouses for some ideas.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
On September Eve, you’re looking forward to an autumn leaf served with your ghost roast. Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

It means you are ready to rock October with haunted houses, corn mazes, scary makeup and horror movies.

It means dreaming of your first Pumpkin Latte of the season while you are in the Starbucks drive-thru.

September Eve means letters to Santa, even though The Claus isn’t thinking of you as he hits the beach for Labor Day weekend. Photo by srikanta H. U on Unsplash

It means Christmas planning and sips of hot chocolate. Letters to Santa and wish lists for family and friends.

It means you want to clean the fireplace, even though your AC might keep going full blast through Oct. 1.

You forget that you live in South Mississippi. You forget about the Labor Day weekend and the baseball and football that go with it. You want to bypass it all.

It’s Aug. 31. September eve. Almost 90 degrees, but change is coming.

Happy fall, y’all!

Editor’s note: This post’s featured photo is  by Hide Obara on Unsplash. Inspiration for this post came from 40 Holiday Blog Post Ideas by Amanda Cross, who, unlike me, is sincere about the holidays.

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