From New Jersey, a friend sends his holiday jeer

Crescenzo Capece, music seller, songwriter and perhaps my one and only best New Jersey friend, sent me a lyrical text message Sunday that was entertaining because of its anti-merry and anti-mirth crankiness.

Now it’s a blog post, thanks to his approval and my laziness this week to come up with original contest of my own.

By CRESCENZO CAPECE
Special to The Broadmoor Bureau

I know u love holidays, so:
ChrisMess Song
(Curmudgeon’s Lament)

Maybe somewhere,
Some families taking
A wonderland sleigh ride or two
I’m sitting here  in
My lounger & undies
While I chug on my
15th brew

A season of cheer
That’s what some call it
But my toe’s a hammer, not mistle
I ain’t got a mantle
With festive cards
On it
And Misery is my epistle

No Darlene’s love to
Sing me no carols
Those tunes they get
On my nerves
No special cookies
Baking in my oven
And the mall Santas
All look like fakes

So don’t you be telling
Me to be merry
Or building no snowman outside
All I needs my TV
And a frozen dinner
And i’m always hitting
My stride

Trees are for forests
They don’t need no
Lights
Reindeers are just good for
Lyme disease and bites

So leave me alone
And I’ll be just fine
While you all claim
You’ll have a jolly
Old time

Don’t get me started
About all that shopping
I’d sooner be down
in Bama sharecropping

But you have your holiday
And stress about bills
While “Bonanza” reruns
Will give me my thrills

And when the new year comes
I’ll still be the same
Another year over
And straight down
The drain!

Pay to see Gulfport holiday lights? Bah humbug!

This is the third year for the Gulfport Harbor Lights Winter Festival. JOHN E. BIALAS

By JOHN E. BIALAS
Broadmoor Bureau Chief

The third annual Gulfport Harbor Lights Winter Festival at Jones Park is beautiful and helps set the holiday mood.

I’m just not willing to pay the cash-only $10 admission fee to see the lovely display of multicolored lights. I ain’t goin’ to do it. Bah humbug!

I can do a drive-by for free. I can head west on Highway 90, look left and admire the lights or I can head east on 90, look right and admire the lights.

The show hours are 5:30 to 9:30 p.m., so I can drive by as many times as I want for four hours a night.

The festival should be free. Certainly the city and Island View Casino, two of the sponsors, can afford to pony up enough money to present a free show for all.

They should make this  a Christmas gift to the Mississippi Coast.

Once you pay admission to get in Jones Park, you also have to pay if you want tickets  for rides such as Santa’s Big Wheel and the Merry Go Round Carousel. It’ll cost you even more if you also want concession items.

When I’m not doing a free drive-by, I’ll stay home and be the hermit of my hood in Gulfport. If I feel like  looking at Christmas lights, I’ll take a walk and enjoy my neighbors’ creative displays.

The hood has been known to have such events as Festivus and to have such attractions as Santa’s Outhouse.

And it never costs me a thing.

This pole was part of the Festivus observance in my hood in 2013.
This pole was part of the Festivus observance in my hood in 2013. JOHN E. BIALAS

Santa's Outhouse is on 22nd Street. JOHN E. BIALAS
Santa’s Outhouse is on 22nd Street. JOHN E. BIALAS